Why You Shouldn’t Eat At The Cinema**
FROM HIM: The problem with having kids is when you have ‘em you realise everyone else has got ‘em.
You don’t really know how it happened, but all of your old friends that didn’t have ‘em have had ‘em while you weren’t looking, and all of your new friends have already got ‘em.
And this is why it’s so difficult to find a babysitter.
The mother of said children is always looking after their own children and it always feels like you’re imposing to ask the bloke to do it.
It was our bi-annual date night last night and we went to watch the ridiculously funny Stewart Lee.
The bloke was babysitting.
We can impose because they’re very good friends and because we babysat for them on our wedding anniversary the night before.
So what if it was his birthday when he babysat for us? So now we’re even.
Anyway, the point is that it’s not very easy to arrange a night out, and when you do have a night out then you really want to enjoy it.
Which is the only reason I’m bringing this up.
It absolutely isn’t a pet hate that I’ve had my entire life which I would use any excuse to rant about.
It’s simply because it’s tough to get a babysitter.
Glad we’ve cleared that up.
So I’m enjoying Stewart Lee enormously when I hear it.
So firstly, before I launch into how I feel about the rustling of things, I want to add a few caveats.
I understand that some people are diabetic and must eat or they risk slipping into a coma.
I also get that cinemas and the like tell you you should eat during stuff because it makes them a load of money.
But I just feel, a teensy weensy bit, that normal people, people who are allowed to eat at home, people who are not forced to only eat food when they’re looking at some form of entertainment, could JUST WAIT UNTIL IT’S OVER!
I think you’ll find that if you eat a massive bag of fish & chips shortly before you go in, then you might just be able to last 45 minutes until the break where you could cram in two pots of ice cream which should see you through the next 45 minutes.
It is absolutely not essential to fill your face whilst things are happening in front of your eyes.
“Look at that beautiful sunset… where are you going?”
“I’m just off to get some Skittles so I can really enjoy it.”
Stuff does not have to be on your tongue for you to watch and enjoy.
“Where have you been?”
“To see the Grand Canyon.” *
“How was it?”
“It would have been better with a Snickers.”
All snack vendors that are within 500 yards of any form of visual entertainment that requires silence should be forced to sell their wares in a bag made from chinchilla fur and filled with feathers. Who on earth decided everything had to rustle!?
Just spare a thought for the person on stage.
Oh sorry Stewart Lee, I couldn’t laugh at that hilarious bit of carefully crafted comedy because I’m chewing this sweet and I might choke.
Oh sorry Stewart Lee, I had to stop myself from chortling at your brilliance because I might spit bits of crisps on the people in front.
Oh sorry Stewart Lee, I wanted to enjoy the culmination of years of self-sacrifice on the comedy circuit but I couldn’t because someone is rustling a packet of bonbons behind me and I have to imagine killing them instead.
The wife has done it.
You have done it.
I have done it.
Let’s together, as a peaceful and entertainment loving world, work together as one, to NOT do it any more.
Because the person next to you could be a parent.
This may not be one night in many great nights that are blurring into one another.
It could be something that they’ve planned their year around.
They could be hoping it keeps them warm in their old age.
This is basically it for them until their kids go to University.
Put the sweets down.
Because this is all they’ve got.
*I have a thing where I really don’t appreciate major landmarks much – you know the scene in National Lampoon’s Vacation where Clark Griswald looks at the Grand Canyon? Well that was me. The Taj Mahal held my attention for about five minutes. I do like a good waterfall though.
** Yes, I know this post is about the theatre, not cinema, but I thought why you shouldn’t eat at the theatre sounded a bit middle class, plus the pig is wearing 3D glasses from the 80s which are not really required in the theatre, but essentially this is not a cinematic anecdote, it’s largely theatre based – try not to judge me for misleading you.