raising edgar, breastfeeding, boob, dad blog, funny dad blog, humour, humor, funny blog

Show Me The Boob

So I’m about to embark on my half of the parental leave to look after Edgar full time.

I don’t feel equipped.

Because I am not the owner of the boobs.

Not only has The Wife had the luxury of the best Summer in living memory, excepting the ones we’ve made up in our heads from our childhood.

She also owns the boobs.

I’m a recreational user of the boobs, not the owner.

I will not be able to explain this to Edgar.

We have discovered nothing that is not resolved by boob, including some weird thing he’s got with his eye.

If boob doesn’t work, we both hold our hands up… well I’m f-ked if I know?!

I have bottle.

Finicky, not at the ready, not as comforting, bottle.

Also, when have you ever seen a mum frantically searching her front because she’s forgotten her boobs?

Never.

Before Edgar’s even attempted a partial quibble his face is so full of boob he forgets whatever he was unhappy about.

With bottle he’ll probably go, WAAAAAHHH, I’M NOT HUNGRY YOU IDIOT!!!

‘But this is the boob equivalent’, I will try and argue.

Bottle only solves hunger, boob solves everything.

EVERYTHING!

‘What about dummy?’ I hear you ask.

Well we missed our window of opportunity.

We were a bit middle class about it really. We put it in his mouth, decided he looked a bit simple, took it out and gave a plethora of other reasons why he shouldn’t have it.

We’ll only have to wean him off it.

It will basically become another problem.

If it falls out at night, we’ll have to get up to put it back in.

But in truth we thought it didn’t suit him.

The boy is ridiculously cute. It was like putting shell suit bottoms with an Armani jacket.

Armani would ruin those wicked shell suit dreds.

The wife does not regret the decision because she has boob.

But I’m having second thoughts and am wondering if there is still time to get him hooked on crack.

Yes, there are downsides, but one hit on that pipe WILL stop the tears!

Ha, boob doesn’t work now, DOES IT!?

Only crack pipe works.

Who’s the winner now?

No-one.

Of course.

There are no winners with crack addiction.

I have tried him on my own boobs, I really did. (Is that weird? Don’t worry I’ll hand myself in).

But he had no interest, perhaps because mine aren’t hairy.*

*Joke –  the wife’s boobs are as smooth as butter**.

**After she shaves them.

The great thing is that being a stay-at-home dad will not be the dream that non-stay-at-home dads think it will be.

It will be a minefield of blog material.

I took him to the park and forgot nappies… ha ha.

I’m genuinely concerned about accidentally being a crap dad.

I took him to the shops in shorts and had to go to hospital to get him treated for hypothermia… ho ho.

I’m genuinely concerned about accidentally being a crap dad.

I went to Tescos without him and went to prison… he he.

If you read between the lines I think you can tell that I’m genuinely concerned about accidentally being a crap dad.

Well the music is playing already and I’ll soon be facing it.

As long as I keep him alive all of the time and smiling some of the time then I guess I’m doing a good enough job.

Fingers crossed I’m capable of that much.

 

Comments
7 Responses to “Show Me The Boob”
  1. Nerves of steel is what you’ll need. I wish you luck :)

  2. Sam says:

    My second babe didn’t get boob, poor thing, but we’ve been just fine! Having said that he has had dummy. I quite like it. Its just as magic as boob. Sorry this isn’t really helping is it?! :-)

  3. Mary Keynko says:

    Don’t worry, he’ll get over it! Mine both did and they are grown up (nearly) normal people! Mind you saying that my husband is a dribbling wreck who is afraid of his own shadow……… no no you’ll be fine, chin up old man!

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